Saturday, December 16, 2006

Unwell

I've always wondered at dissatisfied people, people who had all that they could possibly want, but still kept looking for more. I never understood this vague disenchantment, and I never had time for it. Right now, though, I think I'm beginning to understand. I mean, its the holidays, there is absolutely no work that I have to attend to. I'm living with no other aim in mind than to do exactly what pleases me, and therefore, lately, I've realized that I have absolutely no idea what I'm looking for, what makes me happy. On the surface, my life seems absolutely fine to me. I'm still studying (barely), which, everyone, assures me, is the best thing to do, I have good friends who are mostly reasonable in dealing with me, my family also doesn't seem to be asking me any uncomfortable questions (like "Who the heck will hire you next year? You're talentless AND you have no noteworthy qualifications..."). But still, I can't sleep at night. I keep squirming because of this weird weightlessness in my stomach (and believe me, stuffing it with food in order to lend it some gravity doesn't help).

It was so much easier as a child. As I told a fellow blogger recently, I was much more mature at eight than I am at twenty two. I knew exactly what it was that I wanted, and exactly how to achieve it. I could clinically separate the believable fairy tales (oxymoron, you say? You've never read a fairy tale like I have) from the ones which were merely foolish flights of fancy. Most of all, I was a great deal more secure. Secure in the knowledge that I was doing the right thing (I've had very strangely flexible morals, even as a child). I was happy being the sickly child who owlishly devoured book after book, never going out to play, unless my wilder cousins threatened me with unspeakable consequences (no, I shan't speak of those....shudder). I had so much to think of, so many plans to make inside my head, to be implemented when I was 'all grown up'. I was so sure that I was gonna make a really great 'grown up'.

Now I'm not so sure anymore. I feel severely hemmed in, suffocated by my inablilities. I want to talk, but I feel stupid when I try. Even this post is embarrassing me, but the discontent needs to be expressed somehow, so I don't care. I don't want to be nice or thoughtful or smart, or whatever it is that I'm supposed to be, anymore. I only want to not want more, to be happy with what I have, but I don't know how...

20 comments:

Atul said...

No one can deny that yes childhood days were the best...as there was no tension and responsibilities as we have now.....before getting employed every thinks that probably they are not fit enough to get a job....but most of them do end up getting one...though it may not be the dream job..
Don't worry lady it think you are talented enough to get a job of your choice...
its just a matter of time...
Anyways thanks a writing something that was straight from the heart...

sun4none said...

exactly y i keep buggin u everyday! we bear the same frustrations mebbe :S.. no one bugs me 2 study further.. but theres some kinda pressure thts mounting n it goes on piling.. its really unbearable n then there are no answers.. or mebbe there r and thy r really obvious.. but jst tht i dont wanna face em! mebbe its the same thng wid u! search n tell me :)

heh? ok said...

@ atul
thank you, hopefully things will work out.
@ sun
lazy bum! i'll do all the work, na? we all keep searching, looking. let's see whar happens.

a said...

as i said before and will say again...doing nothing does not mean u are pointless...it is the social conditioning and this system(u knw exactly wat me is tlkin abt) which makes all of us believe that if we are doing nothing we are wasting our lives...but pray tell me why does life have to be this elusive chase? what happened to the whole theory of stopping to smell the flowers... this time i tell u to keep the faith...we shall overcome. :)

heh? ok said...

@ a
thank you. i understand, i'm not one for chasing either, and i do like smeling flowers!

Arthur Quiller Couch said...

Nice though rambling. Hell, it's your space, why shouldn't you ramble.

Request - I liked reading this, would have been even nicer but for the italics and close spacing. Would you do something about that?

heh? ok said...

@aqc
if i weren't such a tech dummy, i'd have changed my template a long, long time ago. let's see what i can manage.

heh? ok said...

@ aqc again
i did something. am quite pleased. hope this works better for you as well. gosh, nightmare.

Saltwater Blues said...

heya kitkat!

heh? ok said...

@ swb
i'll convey your greetings

raghu said...

crib crib n keep cribbin
:P
v r always there 2 lissen.. yay!

heh? ok said...

raghu's internet explorer's working again and woe is me!! really, 17 year olds...sheesh.

sun4none said...

hehe.. tum log yahan bhi shuru ho gaye :P

Anonymous said...

as sir bruce springsteen has so beautifully summed up..."what was one black and white, turns to so many shades of grey" - the geek was here too

raghu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zypsy said...

...I only want to not want more, to be happy with what I have, but I don't know how.

isn't that what everyone has been asking ever since time started:-)

someone commented here that doing nothing does not mean u are pointless. agreed, you shouldn't sacrifice your youth, you should enjoy your college days....but then don't settle for "hope for the best" while doing nothing.

most of us don't know what we want and what we wanna do with life but you gotta start somewhere, sometime. take it one a time. a job for example, start with your hobbies, or the subjects you love in college.

we can have a lot of fun while being adults too. spending my own hard-earned money, taking care of my sister's wedding and PG education, falling in love,...when i think of these things, i don't wanna be a kid:-)

heh? ok said...

@ zypsy
i don't really mind being an adult, its just that i miss the clarity sometimes...that's about it.

amxi5 said...

hiya. not sure how I got here but you do leave an impression..and its mostly good :)

heh? ok said...

@ amxi5

why, thank you, kind sir!

Quicksilver! said...

I know the feeling!Oh Yes!I so know the feeling! ;)))