Thursday, September 08, 2016

Let's Catch Up

Ten years to the day that you left. I am still here. We are still here. Not the same, maybe not as you would have wished us to be. So much has happened without you. We have sellotaped our hearts together and soldiered on, as you would have wished. We have managed to avoid unemployment, notoriety, and whatever else you feared for us in those final days.

I dreamed of you two days ago. I always dream of you whenever I am at a crossroads in my life. So too this day, which was a nice touch from you, so close to the decade mark of saying goodbye. As always, I apologized for the many ways in which I had wronged you. As always, you said 'It's okay.' But this time I think I believed it, which is why the decade-old knot in my stomach seems a little less tight. Thanks for the gift, as always generous.

What's new with me? I am finally living the married life, four years after I got married. I have left my city, my people, my cats behind. I am disoriented in a million little ways and I think everyone knows. There is a growing realization of the limits of my life and my capabilities. It seems the world is not really waiting to fulfill my dreams. Am I in crisis? Not quite, simply because I am deeply loved by those who matter to me. Including you, as I have finally come to accept.

You would have liked him. He is funny and warm, the life of the party, a secret poet and a great lover of good food. He has made me love myself, which was really hard for me to do. I think he sees the good things you put in me much more than I see them myself. We finally have our own household, which is small and lovely, but not a patch on yours, of course.

For a long time I was scared I would forget you. That the contours of your face, the booming sound of your laugh and the scent of you, the scent of home, would fade in my mind. Thanks for showing me that as long as I live, you will live in me. I wish you peace and rest. Keep visiting: I fall asleep in hopes of meeting.

All my love,
S.