Being grey

Today I had to perform an extremely unpleasant errand for somebody who really should have known better than to ask this of me. I was made to go back to this hospital which was the place where I spent a couple of the most hellish months of my life, in order to hand over a trivial gift, right at the reception area where I got to know that terrible truth. I could have chosen to ignore this particular errand, but I don't want anybody to feel like I owe them anything. So I went, telling myself that I'm old enough to deal with this, that life isn't about running away. But it was so hard to see that place again, the roads leading up to it, the building, the canteen where I spent endless nights alone gobbling up a solitary sandwich for dinner, hoping that I would be able to stay awake to help and not be too crabby about it. Most of all, I was thinking about the person that place took away from me, and how I messed up my chance to do the right thing by her. When I walked into the reception area, I kept looking for her shadow, to see if it watching me struggle.

I know, life goes on. Nothing terribly profound about that, coz life only knows how to go on. I know that I have to go on, and to realize that its not all about me, and how I feel. There are other, more important things, like running errands. But it isn't happening very naturally. I look around and I see how I sometimes make people who are close to me uncomfortable, coz they really don't know what to say to me. That look on their faces, saying that they're sorry for me, but they don't know how to let me know that without offending me, or making me feel worse. As it is, being a social creature is hard for me, and it makes it doubly tough when I see myself guarding against the very people that I love the most in the world. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over this nagging hurt. I just hope that it happens, and soon. I also hope that when it does, I don't wake up to find that I've distanced everyone who has tried to help. This experience has changed me. I've become a cynic, jaded, weary and bitter. I just hope the change isn't irrevocable, coz I really don't like the way I've become. The only encouraging sign is that I'm still tenaciously holding on to hope, a little bit of it. Maybe it'll save me.

I want to be whole again. I want to laugh with all my heart, coz 75 percent just isn't good enough. I want to be as foolish as I was before I got a taste of hospitals. But you can't choose your experiences. So I'll just pray that I can make my peace with them, and hope that there are second chances, opportunities that can help me make up for my mistakes, even though I can't ever compensate for this particular one. I hope to be strong enough to break this wall around my heart.