Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Peace

Yes, I am looking for it. Desperately. I want to shut down for a bit. I want to not have my head constantly pounding with a zillion thoughts that just refuse to slow down, refuse to leave me alone. I want to be able to not obsess about why my life is turning out to be such a badly made movie which has pretensions to art but is actually quite the C-grade Bollywood commercial churner at heart. I want to be able to stop caring, and feeling, and being a wobbly mass of raw nerve endings that keep shivering with the slightest breeze. I want the constant pain to stop. I want to be able to look my sorrow in the eye and not have to constantly hide behind bad jokes and puns and the hysterical, not quite authentic laughs. I want to stop the constant repression of me by myself. I want to stop pretending that I'm ok, that life is great, that fun is still so much fun. When did I become this grotesque charade? When did I stop living and start pretending? Why must I be the terrible spectacle of the joker with the bright painted face who stopped laughing aeons ago, but just cannot wipe the acrylic grin off his face? I want to start accepting. Its ok, to not be fun, to mope all the time, to not be very friendly, to be rude when I don't want to talk, to be completely me, no matter how far away I am from the person that everyone seems to think I am. I have truly moved beyond the point where I cared about pleasing people and fulfilling their expectations. Now, the decision is made. If I am truly a monster inside, then no consideration will stop me from being a monster outside as well. Better to be a consistent monster than to be two unhappy people inside one tired mind.

9 comments:

Reej said...

U're not a monster.. am so glad this one isn't funny. anyway.. just BE cz that the way to be.. and being rude etc etc.. all of it helps.. been there done that..

heh? ok said...

hmm. yes i'm gonna give it a shot. can't get much worse.

ninkita said...

okie dokie, we dont mind having you around, miss monster.
stop thinking of things you dont need to. it can be done.. hey, i'm doing it, aren't i?
start liking your inner monster. it turns out to be a nice feeling.

heh? ok said...

@ nin
well yes i'm trying to like the monster that is me.some progress has been made, but not too much.

Anonymous said...

Hey Monster! You really sound like a gal with lots of time in your hands. You sound fun too. I liked the ESPN, although it's an extemely girly idea. Once again - you write quite well. I wish I was half as good.

Ramble on
Dr. Freud

sun4none said...

carpe diem baby!

trust me.. put on some metallica n get some vodka.. life will be good!

heh? ok said...

@ anon
'girly' is a word that is not permitted in my blog. thanks otherwise.
@ sun
you keep giving these great bits of advice. i will act on this one though :)

Exigo Animus said...

girly.

Exigo Animus said...

girly monster.. its ok 2 pretend.. jus dont pretend wid frnds.. u noe ven i feel wierd.. i jus disconnect n go in2 my shell.. n my sis always tells me let sum1 noe wat goes on in there.. its usually a conflict of morals.. id opnly admit it nw..but in the shell i feell too vunrable.. i wunt say it..
but den one must ver a facade.. jus 2 keep way frm irritatin comments or pitiness.. ya nothin is as bad as bein pitied at.. ya dat sucks.. prolly dats y i pretend.. prolly dats y u pretend.