Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Yes, I am looking for it. Desperately. I want to shut down for a bit. I want to not have my head constantly pounding with a zillion thoughts that just refuse to slow down, refuse to leave me alone. I want to be able to not obsess about why my life is turning out to be such a badly made movie which has pretensions to art but is actually quite the C-grade Bollywood commercial churner at heart. I want to be able to stop caring, and feeling, and being a wobbly mass of raw nerve endings that keep shivering with the slightest breeze. I want the constant pain to stop. I want to be able to look my sorrow in the eye and not have to constantly hide behind bad jokes and puns and the hysterical, not quite authentic laughs. I want to stop the constant repression of me by myself. I want to stop pretending that I'm ok, that life is great, that fun is still so much fun. When did I become this grotesque charade? When did I stop living and start pretending? Why must I be the terrible spectacle of the joker with the bright painted face who stopped laughing aeons ago, but just cannot wipe the acrylic grin off his face? I want to start accepting. Its ok, to not be fun, to mope all the time, to not be very friendly, to be rude when I don't want to talk, to be completely me, no matter how far away I am from the person that everyone seems to think I am. I have truly moved beyond the point where I cared about pleasing people and fulfilling their expectations. Now, the decision is made. If I am truly a monster inside, then no consideration will stop me from being a monster outside as well. Better to be a consistent monster than to be two unhappy people inside one tired mind.