Monday, May 21, 2007

It Hurts, And How..

I've been thinking, about nothing in particular, and everything in general. The outlook is rather grim, for some reason. I'm not very clear as to what that reason is. I suspect it is more because of self indulgence than any concrete malady. So, now, I obviously have to overanalyze it. Goodness, this blog must be the most mixed up collection of pap in the world. Or maybe not. Lets not be presumptuous so early in the morning. I almost never blog in the morning. That's because I'm almost never up. But that doesn't mean that I can't, does it?

Sorrow, pain, misery. It has some sort of strange glamour attached to it. The songs that touch us the most are the ones that speak of loss, and unrequited emotions, and what could have been. I've heard people talk of migraines as if just the act of suffering a migraine is one of martyrdom that somehow makes them deeper, more intense people. Or just look at that very astute index of human emotions, the Orkut profile. So, what did you learn from your past relationship? More often than not, never to trust anyone (girls, in particular, seem to be the most heinous offenders of the heart). Its a not too obtuse way of hinting at a broken heart, a tragedy that lends some texture to life. I call it the Meena Kumari Syndrome(MKS). That esteemable lady made a career out of speaking in a low, sad voice and drinking along. I've always laughed (secretly) at people lost in sorrows of their own making. Laughing on their faces gives them an opportunity to feel misunderstood, and the pain just keeps increasing. MKS induces a belief that only morons are happy, that being sad is an intellectual statement. Why, though? Why must one be deep and intense? If you're inherently superficial (oxymoron alert), why can't you be like that? Why wear misery like a badge of honour?

Recently, it looked like a variant of MKS had come to bite me. This particular variety of the disease makes one angsty and blue for no paricular reason, and manifests in a huge jump in the number of thoughts whirling around in the brain, till the head wants to explode and the heart wants to take a nap. The only reason that seemed to justify this bout of the blues was that my plan wasn't working out. Which plan, you ask? The Plan. The outline of what life is supposed to be like, the one that I'd worked out at sixteen, which was going horribly awry. All evening I tortured myself (and others) being listless and listening to bad music, loitering around the hostel talking to myself. Today I decided that I'd had enough. I wrote down The Plan on a sheet of paper, and threw it out in the trash. Symbolism, very profound. I don't care, The Plan can take a hike in the garbage truck. If I'm gonna be inflicted with MKS, I'm gonna own up to it and not hide behind silly reasons like The Plan. And the next time you ask if anything's wrong, and I say nothing's wrong, and continue to mope anyway, you'll know that I'm telling the truth. It is precisely 'nothing' that makes me sad most often. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to sleep. Some things are sacred.

18 comments:

raghu said...

by bad music u mean himesda?
omg ur in trouble!

raghu said...

mumbai aaja.. please..jaldi!

Essar said...

:) ooh yeah, tragedy is a rather tempting way of life. I've lived through it, u know, where months on end, I would feel this existential angst and THAT would make me feel very intellectual, very in the company of Sartre/Camus/Eliot. Nice and indulgent. Strangely right now Im in this Govinda-like happy state of mind all the time even thought technically my life is a lot sadder than the Eliot-inspired tragedy days.

probe said...

loved this post.

another brick in the wall said...

oye tu theek hai? kya hua? :P
hehe.. haan joker its the MKS that has affected not only u but also me n some few ppl i know.. dont worry all we need is a shot of vodka n gulp! our stupid thots wud be gone! :P

heh? ok said...

@ raghu
coming tomorrow. and i said bad music, not noise from hell.

@ essar
that's what. i'm on vacation, for heaven's sake. these things have very little to do with what's actually going on in one's life. that's the essence of MKS.

@ probe
heehee. thankee.

@ brick
vodka, gin, whatever. intoxication is the key concept.

ninkita said...

ahem. i think MKS is good , it creates fellowship in ways that other emotions just can't even begin to try to do... besides, i always thought 'being pathetic without being obvious enough to be labelled that, and actually hhaving ppl look at you, a little awestruck at the tragedy of it all' was rather good fun.

new age scheherazade said...

amazing. i have to write out my plan too...and toss it in the trash in a few years.
of course, sadness does give you a certain mystery-whoever heard of a happy sphinx? but you're thought 'deep' if you're all sad and pensive-witness PGWodehouse not getting the Nobel. that IS sad.
(ooooh. how profound.)

akhila said...

hmm...i am sure by the time u read this ur out of MKS cos ur in mumbai!!! dont forget the ice-creams and the horse carriage ride that u have to do for me ;)
hope ur havin a great time. sorry dint get to say bye...but i will still get one mangoe no? pls pls pls :)

n.g. said...

stop thinking.

arunabh said...

How long did you take to come up with this post? And how long did the writing of tht PLAN take ? Just analysing..

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you do know what I feel when I say 'nothing'. It hurts. Causes sorrow, pain and misery. And it's not always glamorous. It is destructive.

Anonymous said...

:) n.g. is right (... he always is, the bugger!) stop thinking so much.

heh? ok said...

@ nin
you do bring a certain something to it. :P

@ new age scheherazade
in rebellion, i always try to be disgustingly happy, and i'm certainly not winning any nobel prizes either.

@ akhila
mango nahi khaya!!!! not even one :(

@ arunabh
plan took sixteen years, post took about ten minutes. analyze away.

@ n.g. and anonymous/ fan of n.g.
i'll consider it, but don't hold your breath in anticipation.

pankaj said...

i guess in some cases pain could be a morbid obsession, in some cases it could be some inverted self indulgent elitisim, or it could be poetic attachment to tragedy.

the first is sick, the second silly, and the third universal - a part of how our minds are structured perhaps.

but on the other hand, the concept of pain as an ennobler might not be completely without credence. pain forces you to explore the deeper reaches of your self or life in general, which might not be easily accessible in the routine of everyday life. this has been recognised and expressed by the greatest of minds like tagore when he said "the saddest is the man who has not suffered" or oscar wilde - "the only way to individualization in this age is pain".

heh? ok said...

@ pankaj
you're actually thinking about it. wonderful. :)

Sparsh said...

I so suffer from MKS and is that fun:P!

It almost like you have those sad, puppy eyes and drooping shoulders and low husky, deep voice - sad for a sight but makes u feel 'intel inside'...hahah twas pathetic I know...just rambling in pain:D!

heh? ok said...

@ sparsh
you've nailed the MKS martyr look. spot on!