Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Sky Is Blue

Yes, that about sums up my experience these last few days. I had my little sister Pinkerton and her friend A over to Mumbai for about ten days, and then I went back to Shillong for about five days for my cousin's wedding. Family matters were high on the priority list, but mostly I was just soaking up the pleasure of having familiar faces around me. One thought kept nagging me the entire time - am I on the wrong track? Sure, living on one's own and earning a living sounds like the right thing to do, but what do I have at the end of the day? When was the last time that I lived in a house that was truly home? It's humbling to see that inspite of all the years away and all the monumental changes that have taken place over the years, at home I'll still be given a cup of tea and breakfast before I'm done brushing my teeth and my clothes will wash themselves before I even realize it. The endurance of these bonds, of family, community and familiarity seems more powerful when you see it after ages of living on your own.

What is it about home and nomads? It is a certain kind of wistful magic that weaves itself into my being every time I go back. I want to stay back forever, even though I know it's impossible, or maybe because of this knowledge. I keep telling myself the usual things about how I'll never get a well-paying job or be able to buy a house, about how I'll soon be climbing the walls with boredom. But then the mean, contrary part of my brain starts telling me to think about how the weather is always glorious at home, how I'll get to eat all the exotic things that aren't available anywhere else, about how transport is ridiculously cheap and comfortable etc. Then I have to make the mistake of looking at the sky which is gloriously, unbelievably blue, at the clothes flapping on the clothesline, at the small roads winding down the hills and the houses with their homey tin roofs, and I'm lost. It seems a fitting punishment for me to be a homesick nomad, the punishment for my biggest weakness - dissatisfaction.

The worst thing about these trips is the sick feeling I get in my tummy when I'm about to leave. It makes me wonder whether I'll ever see these things again. Why must people be human? There's a reason why cows are generally less stressed out. My plan is to become more bovine with everyday, with eyes that are glazed with contentment and a brain fossilizing so quickly that it has no room for thought. That's my mantra from now on - happiness lies in the ability to be a cow.

13 comments:

probe said...

Hmmm.

probe said...

Someday soon we shall find someplace home to bring your heart back from shillong.

raghu said...

ditto about cows :D

heh? ok said...

@ probe
how about we live in shillong? hmmm?

@ raghu
they're much wiser, really.

Red said...

cows may not be particularly stressed out but i don't think they're particularly happy either. in fact cows don't feel too strongly about anything. :)

now if only humans could hand-pick the emotions they can feel. sadly its all one euphoric, devastating, highs and lows kind of roller coaster.

i think loss has made me appreciate things more you know. and experience greater happiness in mundane things.

oh the complexities of human existence. maybe we are better off being cows. :)

Deepika said...

Amen.

Dreamcatcher said...

:) Home makes me feel like that too, even though I've been away for so short a time.
I like this cow mantra. Its wonderful.

Sim said...

mooooooooooo....our thoughts match so much!! you think we share our sun sign??

Sim said...

mooooooooooo....our thoughts match so much!! you think we share our sun sign??

heh? ok said...

@ red
exactly. complicated. and no remote control to pick what you want to feel. very frustrating.

@ deepika
let's hope evolution takes us that way :)

@ dc
it's a difficult state to attain, though, this bovine moksh :)

@ sim
oh goodness, do you think that explains it??

Deepika said...

Btw, I made my room mate read this post and she almost started crying. :-) Very close to home and our hearts.

probe said...

“gaavo vishwasya mataraha santuh pitaraha" - This means that cow is the mother of the universe & oxen the father.

Ref. Srimad Bhagavatam.

Say what?

heh? ok said...

@ deepika
thank god for the almost. i've been making too many people cry lately and i'm wondering if it's a pathology.

@ probe
the wisdom of the universe resides in ME. remember that the next time we fight.