Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It Only Happens To Me

There are a lot of situations that we characterize as 'filmi'. You know, when a mother tells her only son that she's made some culinary delicacy for him with her own two hands (as opposed to the rest of us who cook with our neighbours' ears), when two long lost brothers identify each other through the identical tattoos on each other's arms (who says parents don't like tattoos? They actively propagate them) or when young women are locked in their rooms and then married off to a leering goat from the nearest stable. These are situations that we believe we are safe from, simply because we are not in the movies. We carry on with our lives, cocooned in our comfortable ignorance, and we smirk every time some overenthusiatic perpetrator of celluloid melodrama claims to draw his inspiration from real life.

"Real life? HAH!', we say. "What do YOU know about Real Life?"

"Boo!", he says.

"Ooh, are YOU in for a surprise or what!", says Life.

My big surprise happened about a week or two ago. The Elder Sister called in the morning while I was pretending to work. She sounded a little bemused, as if she'd just been hit on the posterior with an airgun. The mystery behind her tone of voice was soon solved. After exchanging the usual impoliteness, she very gleefully informed me that my mother's close friend had called her earlier on the fateful morning. This lady (we'll call her NM) first made some polite conversation with the sister before telling her that she was going to visit Delhi soon. The visit was necessitated by her son's ill health. The ill health was caused by his inability to cook properly or wash his clothes or clean his house. This in turn was the result of an upbringing which thought basic survival skills too demeaning for a man-child to learn. So now this son of hers was in some amount of discomfort and she was going to visit him and shoo away the boo-boos.

So what, you ask? Well, she then proceeded to inform my sister of a meeting she had with my mum two years ago, when my mum had just found out about her illness. Apparently, my mum had requested that NM and her husband take care of me and my siblings, should the illness prove fatal. This further entailed that I marry her son (because, of course, on my own I am incapable of decisions like this).

Go on, gasp. I did, and then I fumed. My sister then told me that from the conversation she deduced that the reason this came up was because her soon is now in need of someone to cook for him, clean his house and wash his clothes. Instead of hiring a maid, his mum figured that the more economical thing to do would be to get him a wife. And who better for the purpose than poor old me who would be eternally grateful to her for 'taking care of me'? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

First thought: "MOMMMMM! How could you sell me so short? Why didn't you just arrange for me to be tied to a cow?"

Second thought: "Dear sister, why did you not hang up on her, or even better, why did you not laugh?"

Anyway, where my story diverges from the movies is that I am not tragically locked away in my room. I will also probably never have to see the guy in my life, let alone marry him. I can also blog about my tragic misadventure. Sure, we played together as kids. Sure, our parents were friends. But unfortunately, I never was a heroine. Thank God for small mercies.


akhila said...

badhaiyan ji badhaiyan!!! hum sab ko shaadi pe bulana na bhoolna!!!
(I am still laughing!!!)

Dreamcatcher said...

when a mother tells her only son that she's made some culinary delicacy for him with her own two hands (as opposed to the rest of us who cook with our neighbours' ears)
Awesome :D
totally awesome.
I sent this to a friend. She was in splits :D

Sim said...

chalo at least one of us is geting married even if its cynical you!
but seriously did you guys stand by bada paani and ate swears or ever lasting love (hum kasam khate hai ki...)?? and don't tell me you aren't carrying a torn picture of his, the other half being your pic that he carries in his pocket??
oh this is too hillarious...

speedpost said...

Yay! You're back!!!

By the way wouldn't it be phenomenally funny if you do end up with this guy?? Just kidding. May your tryst with Bollywood go as far as this only. For your sake and sanity ofcourse.

Doubletake, Doublethink. said...

i was wondering where you'd gone, but this post was worth the wait. i identified especially with the description of the son, since ninety percent of the mother-son relationships in bengal work on the basis of similar nurturing (and overfeeding).

probe said...

What makes you thing that the other half in your marriage by choice won't expect a similiar deal?
I know you were itching to write this but had no clue you's do it brilliantly. Loved it.

probe said...

err, you'd :)

new age scheherazade said...

you also are not unduly influenced by romance novels-I would have jumped at the chance, sure that the guy would turn out to be a GHM, and after quarreling at first, we'd fall in love and get married and his mum would have to come down to cook for us both.
what a fairytale.

but anyway, hilarious! neighbours' ears made me laugh for like five minutes.

ToOothlEss WOndeR! said...

LoL! maybe we don't have to be in the movies, afterall. Only that in real life, there are such anti-climaxes!
There was friend of my mum's who had a very beautiful daughter.. i have met her twice when whe was half my size, and was pigtailed.

my mum tells me not so long ago over dinner that her (the pigtailed little girl's) mum suggested taht they hook up the two of us, and my mum (she tells me that as if she did me a favor!) laughed it off saying that I was way too crazy for the girl.

life is sortakinda unfair, dont you think? :)

arunabh said...

I hope finding this entire episode funny isn't being rude ?! :)

heh? ok said...

@ akhila
i knew the wedding jokes would be the proverbial torrent after this post :)

@ dreamcatcher
sometimes i am rather clever. hehehehe. :)

@ sim
no, he used to be a big bully who would snatch my toys and give them to his sister and i was the tattletale who would complain to his mum. there was never any love lost between us. although that would have made my story considerably more interesting, no?

@ speedpost
it would be funny, only for everyone else except me. so let's just hope it doesn't ever happen.

@ doubletake, doublethink
tell me about it. this stellar man-child was notorious for being reed thin inspite of eating nonstop. not a very appealing thought.

@ probe
ah well, don't blame me for thinking more highly of myself than someone who cannot cook and clean after himself.

@ new age scheherazade
the thing is that i have seen the guy, and he's as much of a GHM as i am a giggly memsahib. he's more of a PMM (Pasty Maida Man).

@ toothless wonder
thank your lucky stars. imagine the mortification of having to date someone coz your mom told you to.

@ arunabh
not rude at all. i can't expect you to wail and beat your chest at my misfortunes. and i laughed too, after sufficient time had passed :)